I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Leaving the Barbers like
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.