Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
You Might Also Like
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing