Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
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James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
what?
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single