I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
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Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
X-tra spooky blend
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”