F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
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Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
😬
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move