cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
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[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.