No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
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I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.