Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
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[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn