If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I am having an out of money experience.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen