I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
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LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
From Facebook just now…
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Only a mother’s love …
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.