What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
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Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.