Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
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whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!