I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
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“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”