If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
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Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I am having an out of money experience.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.