Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
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If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
i will not be silenced
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.