Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
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My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Yep.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
mumsnet is amazing
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Sing it!
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Go hard or stay average