NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
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Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.