Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
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Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt