The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
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“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices