My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
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has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
sry
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror