I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
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if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
A drum solo but on your face.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Bike is short for Bichael.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone