I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
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Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
We cut our bangs at dawn.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”