Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
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but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
reminder
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….