“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.