I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
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“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
What about second breakfast?
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
鈥淜ids grow up so fast鈥漼eah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I鈥檓 a ghost bear!
God: you aren鈥檛 a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that鈥檚 just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that鈥檚 just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃榿馃榿馃ぃ馃ぃ
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
鈥tart the fire
鈥hoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
鈥uilt this city
鈥hot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
鈥reak free
鈥old your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
鈥ock you
鈥urvive
鈥nything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
鈥hat’
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
You鈥檙e a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water