sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
You Might Also Like
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos