Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
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[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
*me flirting
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
eggs benadryl
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa