These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
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I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Yup.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.