[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
You Might Also Like
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*