Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
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*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Twitter fine art
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
the three branches of government
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.