Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
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Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
for all #parents out there
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.