Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
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The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.