All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
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WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Hey I worked for it too!
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.