5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
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Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5