So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
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[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.