Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
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I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!