Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
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My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.