My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
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CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties