Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
You Might Also Like
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
who named him groot and not spruce lee
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?