It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
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Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I put the mess in domestic.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.