i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
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Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Has science gone too far?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
A family that plays together cheats.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.