Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
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“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.