My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope