The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
You Might Also Like
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Time heals everything 🙂
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,