HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
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Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*