Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
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Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.