Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
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cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking