I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
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Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill