My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I never needed anything more in my life
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I know karate and tons of other words.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*