Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
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What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes